i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
