I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
