I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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