I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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