Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
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I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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