From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
as a side note pls kill me
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