i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
