what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
