You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
