I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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