I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
