I'm so fucking centered right now
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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