So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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