duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
