your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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