I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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