Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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