How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
