I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
