life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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