thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
