she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
