it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business