I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
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wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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