My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
