She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
