right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
