Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
