I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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