It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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