Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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