these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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