she was so not down for the gang bang
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We are all done wearing pants today
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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