I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
