On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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