Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
