Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
