he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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