I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
