i need an iv and a liver transplant
Screwed.edu
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
