If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
