can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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