We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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