sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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