she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
