The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
