I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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