If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
