did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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