so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
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I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?