was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo