The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
