I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize