Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
