morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
