Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
