I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
