Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
