this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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