Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
