How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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