I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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